just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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