Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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