remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
