He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
