Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
