OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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