2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
