Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
