cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
