"it" just moved
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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