You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.