i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
