He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my being single is dangerous.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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