don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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