Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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