After last night, I could never be a politician.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
