he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
