so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
