Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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