I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
