actually, I'm a sock model
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
