he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
