No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
