ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
