Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
