Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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