I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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