we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The Olympian is in my bed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize