btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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