So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
All I want is dick and wine.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
