I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
