My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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