if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize