Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
