oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
