Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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