i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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