I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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