you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
