Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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