if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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