genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize