shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
