does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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