Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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