I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
