I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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