I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
