There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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