so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
