Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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