you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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