shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
