i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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