Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
